iec.care

Thank you for allowing us to share some of our experience with you… 

Before our son died, although we had been seeking professional help for Jesse’s mental health, our family was naïve and ignorant to significant risks of suicidal ideation. Since losing Jesse, we have learned so much about suicide and can now see that those of us close to Jesse would have been able to help him significantly IF we knew more about suicidal ideation and better understood the battle Jesse was facing internally. 

We now recognize suicidal ideation as a potentially terminal mindset that needs to be brought into the light and fought as diligently as we fight terminal cancer. Identifying active suicidal thoughts is trickier than terminal cancer, because we cannot physically see it like we would a tumor on an MRI. We need to know the risks, signs, and signals of suicidal ideation from a person’s behavior in response to the pressures in his or her circumstances and then be willing to lean in to have tough but potentially life-saving conversations.

In hindsight, we now know this fight begins with being able to identify the signs of passive and active suicidal thoughts in others. It is THEN that we are able to use evidence based strategies and treatments to help when someone is struggling with the complex consideration of ending their life.

We do not know if we would have been able to keep Jesse from ending his life, but our approach supporting him would have been much more intentional. Tragically, too many are finding out about suicidal ideation and evidence based treatments too late.

In our situation, although he was thriving in so many areas, we knew Jesse was struggling with anxiety and depression. We had tried to find professional help but were not successful with connecting with the right treatment for Jesse.

Jesse was compassionate, witty, dependable and exceptionally smart. He had a deep passion for music, played the piano and had an amazing voice.  Outwardly, he appeared to be a high energy, incredibly resourceful and successful adolescent. He was quite a performer. But at times, Jesse’s personality could be intense. Looking back, even at a very early age, we now can recognize he struggled with periods of irrational fear and anxiousness. At the age of thirteen, he started showing signs of self-aggression. As his teen years progressed–  outwardly, Jesse appeared to be a normal teenager that just happened to have a full dose of energy and personality. But inside, his behavior was gradually getting worse. The progression was so gradual, that it caused us to accept it, thinking of it almost as “normal”. He was Jesse being Jesse.

Jesse’s confusing behavior would continue to come and go, and when Jesse was about 16, he and I (mom) formally met with his lifelong pediatrician about our concerns. Before that point, we had tried meeting with one counselor, but Jesse and that counselor did not form a connection.  It is very common for several counselors/therapists to be tried before a good fit is found.  During that visit, Jesse’s pediatrician, whom we know very well, talked openly with Jesse and I, and gave us a list of psychologists and counselors that we could contact. I felt hopeful after that visit. Jesse was a little skeptical but remained open minded. We did not talk about safety plans or the risk of suicide because Jesse did not fit the “profile” of someone at risk. He had excellent grades, was amiable in conversation and was involved in many impressive teenage typical pursuits. He actually was incredibly at risk, however, because he was showing signs of not being comfortable in his skin at home enough for us to be concerned and reach out for guidance.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any counselors from that list available for several weeks out. I was getting frustrated trying to find someone and my hope started turning into confusion. Jesse’s negative behavior had greatly subsided and Steve (dad) and I concluded all of this was probably hormones or passing teen angst. So we tabled our pursuit for a counselor at that time.

Looking back, it would have been helpful at this time to be given information about suicidal ideation and talk about safety plans in a manner that would simply help us be proactive in supporting Jesse during tough times. This would have naturally reduced the stigma and isolation. Additionally, it would have been helpful to have someone set us up with a counselor or therapist instead of giving me a list to try to find someone on my own. Also a follow-up with a phone call from a staff member who is trained in supporting people at risk of SI, could have checked in to see if we needed any additional guidance.

Over the years, Jesse’s episodes ebbed and flowed. Jesse did end up trying four different counselors. He decided three were not a good fit for him. One counselor showed potential. But after a few visits, the counselor made a recommendation that Jesse see a psychiatrist. Our plan was to get Jesse in to see a psychiatrist at that time and also continue with seeing that counselor.

Unfortunately, that is when Covid began to shut everything down. Jesse was not interested in doing counseling online. We couldn’t find any recommended psychiatrists accepting patients and Jesse appeared to be doing a little better again. Jesse, Steve, and I all together made the decision to stop his counseling. This was the time that we all were just figuring out how to respond to the COVID confusion that was occurring all over the world.

Throughout this entire time, I had tried searching the internet for answers on my own. Unfortunately the conflicting information that I would research added to my confusion and deep uncertainty about what to do. I did not want to bring any shame to Jesse and did not know where to turn to for help.

I had spoken to my pastor twice and our youth pastor once, but in all three of those conversations I equated Jesse’s behavior to making some bad choices which led us back to thinking he was experiencing typical teen angst.

I now know those behaviors can spiral out of control and lead to suicide.

I also can see my naïve pursuits for help were likely counterproductive toward Jesse’s sensitive condition reinforcing his irrational thoughts of not belonging in this world.

Jesse would have these seasons of great accomplishments mixed with brief periods of angry and explosive behavior. Bruises on his face would be seen occasionally. But overall, he continued to appear to be a pretty “normal teenager” with very high intelligence. Adults found Jesse very easy to engage with. And often others told us he was a joy to be around on his good days. He was quite the conversationalist. His bad days included snarky comments and signs of agitation. His behavior was never outwardly violent toward others, but time would reveal his self-harm was significant. He had put a few holes in his walls and showed other occasional destructive signals, but they were relatively infrequent. He took responsibility for them and voluntarily made the required repairs when they occurred.  Sometimes conversations with Jesse would get very dark and concerning. But in a just short time, wonderful Jesse would return. We were so quick to pass Jesse’s serious cries for help off as teen angst.

We can now see Jesse wanted help but didn’t know how to ask for it.  We wanted to help him but didn’t understand what we were battling against. The health care system wasn’t accessible in the timely manner that we needed during Jesse’s confusing episodes.

We were too naïve and too optimistic.

Looking back in hindsight, we can now vividly see that if we received information on suicidal ideation from one of our counselors or when visiting with our pediatrician or pastor, we would have had a much different approach to how we supported Jesse during his manic episodes. There is absolutely no one at fault for Jesse’s death. But, we now see that treating everyone who is facing mental and/or emotional difficulties as at risk of SI leads to making connections and building bridges of encouragement that could possibly be life saving.

If after reading or listening to our story, you find yourself thinking about someone, or feel you may be at risk yourself and don’t know where to go from here, we invite you to reach out. We will do our best to help you connect with someone in your area or online to help you work through a strategy of building a “safety-net”.